Who Can Afford It?
by Phina Tera
Summary: Sam thinks about what he's going to give up and it won't be this.  It's Sam's turn to do this, to be strong for them. Set after AHBL:2.


**Title:** Who Can Afford It?  
**Rating:** T; mentions of self-harm, violence, sex  
**Spoilers: **up to and including AHBL: 2  
**Disclaimer:** All characters belong to Eric Kripke et al. No profit made in the creation of this.  
**Notes:** I know there are a lot of these sorts of fics lately but I wanted to give it a try. Thanks to Shay for the beta and Montisello for picking up those tricky homophones. Comments and crit welcome and appreciated.

Dean made a deal with a cross roads demon because Dean being Dean just couldn't let Sam die if there was even one (insanely stupid) thing that he could do to prevent it; now Sam has 12 months - only 355 days left - to save his brother. Talk about deadlines. So Sam does what he does best and researches; his skills already sharp from their childhood honed to perfection at Stanford keep turning up dead ends but it is early and he can't stress over it yet. Sam didn't expect it to be easy and he keeps telling himself that the difficulty is to be expected. Dean won't look and won't listen – "no way is she going to, not to you" he says - because he made a deal where Sam's life hangs in the balance if he tries anything so Dean won't do anything. After the first two weeks Sam gets it and doesn't try to include his stubborn brother anymore. So Dean spends more time in bars and Sam spends more time in libraries and they share a bed at night because Dean still can't quite believe that Sam is going to live and Sam likes to know that Dean is still safe, still breathing, and still with him.

The colt is useless and even if Sam could make more bullets for it he doesn't see how just killing the cross roads demon would negate the deal. He needs something to bargain with, something even better than death. It's been one month and eight days when Sam comes to the conclusion that he's going to be giving up something to get Dean out of the deal but that doesn't matter because he'll have Dean. Dean won't leave him no matter what he gives up. It's a comforting thought.

Two months have passed and Dean is still insisting that they hunt. Sam lets him find the hunts and tries to be a supportive as possible because hunting makes Dean happy and that's all Sam wants for Dean in his last ten months - just in case he can't find a way to save Dean. They dig up graves and Sam feels the warmth of burning bones on his face when he looks into the graves. Dean grins and passes him a silver flask filled with whiskey. They watch the bones burn and trade it back and forth. Sam thinks about what he's going to give up and it won't be this. He did it once and it was good before everything burned to ash on a California ceiling but now he won't give up Dean by his side for anything - not even a demon.

When the Yellow Eyed Demon died he'd taken Sam's visions, taken his powers, and left him just plain human for the first time in two years, he thought it was a blessing at first. But now it's a curse because Sam needs of his powers - not the visions though because the pain just wasn't worth it – Sam wants his powers back so badly he can taste them on his tongue like burnt sugar from Dean's experiment with fried bananas.

He talks to Bobby in hushed calls when he's sure Dean can't hear any of it. Bobby tells him to forget it.  
"Sam Winchester you've escaped once you don't want to bring any of that back to yourself." Bobby tells him one night when Sam is still tired and sore from getting thrown into a wall by the latest poltergeist Dean found. If it was up to Sam they wouldn't have been hunting it – not any of it - because Dean has less than a year and he should be having a good time not worrying about how to kill the latest creature they've dug up in the newspaper. His last year should be nothing but good times that don't leave bruises and stitches because Sam is afraid he isn't going to save his brother. He rotates his shoulder only half listening to Bobby explain all the reasons even thinking about his former powers is a dumb ass thing to do. Sam can see Dean bent over the Impala's trunk rummaging for a replacement shirt. The light shadows the muscles in his back and side making Sam remember the discus thrower, all coiled power and motion, from a long ago art history class. Dean's skin looks smooth as marble at this distance but Sam can remember where all the scars are, especially the scars that would by rights be his if Dean hadn't been there to take them. In that moment he knows that it doesn't matter what he has to do he'll save Dean no matter the cost.  
"Shut up Bobby. I'm doing this one way or another. I have to do this for Dean."  
"You think he'd want that? He sacrificed himself for you and you're throwing it away."  
Sam wants to recoil because in a way it's true but every pre-law student knows how to rationalize so he says, "I'm not going to die. Are you helping or not?"  
"I'll see what I can find," Bobby sounds sad and old.  
"Thanks Bobby."  
"Don't thank me for this." He says and hangs up.

It turns out anyone can get those powers if they are willing to do enough. It takes weeks of searching but in the end they find two rituals that should work. Bobby's version is cleaner than Sam's but Sam is afraid it won't have enough power to give him what he needs so he goes with his version even though just reading through the steps makes him feel dirty and sick. He puts it away and doesn't look at it for two days because there has to be another option but deep down he knows there isn't. He's letting Dean down, letting his own morals override saving his own brother. Dean gave up his soul for him and he doesn't want to do this one little ritual? He isn't even giving up anything important not like Dean did without a second thought. That thought really does make him vomit and Dean looks at him worriedly but accepts his explanation of a bad tuna sandwich. He takes the ritual out that night, while Dean is at a bar, and starts to memorize it. After three hours he doesn't get sick thinking about what he's going to do. He rests his head on Dean's chest listening to his heart beat steady and strong. They've passed the half way mark – only six months left. Dean's fingers are stroking his scalp, gently carding through his hair, and Sam thinks that Dean hasn't done that since before he officially became a teenager. It feels nice. He lets the steady rhythm of Dean's fingers and Dean's heartbeats lull him to sleep.

Sam thinks that he's probably tainting his soul with this but he's sure that in the end it will be worth it to have his brother with him. So he gathers the relics and herbs; carefully hiding them from Dean (even though he knows that Dean isn't looking into his bags for fear of seeing something and killing him) since even Dean would have issues with a ritual involving human body parts - Sam's just glad they don't have to be fresh just fleshy.

He's only got four months left and it's too short. He can't find the last ingredient and he feels guilty for snapping at Dean when he was only trying to help. Of course Dean thinks that Sam is worrying too much and is too tense.  
"You need to get laid Sammy," He says around a mouthful of blueberry pie.  
Sam just glares and has more coffee. Even with Dean's comforting warmth at night he's been too tense to sleep well. He needs that last little relic or it's all for naught. Bobby is looking for it and Sam is praying that between the two of them they either find it or something that can substitute for it.

Dean is worried over him and Sam wants to curse his brother's complete focus on him because Dean knows him too well not to know that something is wrong. He can't tell Dean it's because he can't find one little thing that will help him save his brother from that stupid suicidal deal. When everything is finished they are so going to have a talk about Dean's death wish because Sam is never going through this again.

It's in a little town in Montana, near enough to the mountains that they can see the snow in the peaks when the air is clear, that Sam finds the final ingredient and decides to complete the ritual just as soon as he has Dean out of the way. There are only two months left. He writes Dean a letter - just in case - but burns it because that sort of thing invites trouble. In the end drugging his brother seems like the best option so he carefully measures out the right dosage and slips it into Dean's burger because Dean has the nasty tendency of leaving a little in the bottom of the bottle and Sam wants him getting all of it. He would feel guilty over it but it's the only way to insure that Dean doesn't follow him and try to stop him. Sam can't have the ritual ruined and he isn't sure if he could try a second time if Dean was determined to prevent it.

He makes Dean as safe as he can with runes and salt and holy water then he leaves taking the black duffle with him and trying not to think that Dean is going to be pissed if he ever finds out the exact ritual. In the night, with his breath fogging in front of him, Sam does the ritual. He didn't expect the pain that drives him to his knees as he gasps out the last few lines of the incantation. His fingers leave bloody crescents in his palms as he fights to get the words out without pause because that would end it. His hands are burning and he can feel tears running down his face. The night turns solid black and Sam can't see anything. His last thought before he adds the severed finger into the black obsidian bowl is that the results had better be spectacular for this amount of pain. He tips the bowl to his mouth and lets the thick bloody mixture slide into it. He fights not to throw up as the mixture starts to slither down his throat. It gets worse as undulates like a thick snake down his throat.  
"It will all be over soon," he chants in his head as he licks at the bowl to make sure he got it all. The pain in his head is worse than any vision, worse than Bloody Mary trying to bleed him through his eyes, worse than he thinks he can stand but he must because it's for Dean and it's his turn to be the strong one.

He's freezing when he wakes up and his watch says that he's been gone from Dean for more than twenty hours. Dean is going to be so pissed. His head is throbbing and his left hand is curled into a claw. He can't unbend his fingers so he settles for gathering his ritual up one handed. After it's clean he sows the ground with salt, holy water, and herbs because that much black magic is going to leave reside if he doesn't do a full clean up. It's not like he hasn't fought those remnants and doesn't know what could happen if he doesn't clean up after all. Besides, there is no way they are going to come back here to clean up after his ritual later on – not when he knows better than that. He can still hear Bobby's reminders in his head as he scatters salt.  
The Impala is still parked at the motel and Dean is sitting white faced, thin lipped and shaking in the room. His voice is low and rough and Sam knows that he's going to start yelling but then Dean looks at him and just says "Sam".

He lets Dean catch him and lower him onto one of the beds because he can't seem to move anymore. When he wakes up the first thing he sees is the clean white bandage on the stump of his left little finger. He feels Dean's hand stroking through his hair and Dean's gentle question rumbles through his fingers into Sam's scalp. Dean gets him breakfast and coffee and tries to gently ask what happened even though he seems terrified of the answer. Sam won't say anything about it because he doesn't know how to tell Dean that he's tainted his soul to save Dean's and he doesn't regret it.

Ava could control demons and Sam thinks that with enough practice he probably can too but he doesn't know any way to get the practice without alerting Dean so he settles for practicing his other new (and regained) powers on the hopes that it will be easier to learn the demon thing later. Dean knows that some of his powers have come back and he worries over it until Sam points out that using them doesn't hurt him at all and really Dean should be grateful because they are useful for the hunt. The telekinesis is the most helpful while telepathy just makes him irritated because people are never as nice in their heads as they are out of their mouths. He resolutely refuses to listen to Dean. He has a month and Dean doesn't seem bothered except to eat more pie at every meal. It's so typically Dean not wanting to worry himself that Sam wants to scream but he won't check his brother's head to see how he really feels.

A week before zero hour Dean tries to leave him for his own good and Sam ends up screaming that Dean is never leaving him because he didn't come back just to lose his brother. He doesn't want to live without him.  
Dean goes white and says "Sam, you have options, you could go back, do whatever. I only had you. You're my responsibility, my job."  
My life hangs between them unsaid. They still share a bed and that night Sam clings to Dean like he's a life preserver. In the morning they don't say anything about the fight and Dean doesn't mention that Sam held him so tightly that it would have made a boa constrictor proud. He has pie for breakfast and Sam says nothing. Dean doesn't like it that Sam doesn't complain about pie not being for breakfast. He spends the rest of the day teasing him until Sam finally snaps back. It almost feels like normal.

They spend the last day in the motel and Sam won't stop touching him. Dean's almost glad when the clock stops and the demon appears because soon he won't have to keep strong for Sam.  
She smiles at him and says "Are you ready Dean? We all want to play but I get you first."  
Sam steps forward and suddenly the demon looks pissed and afraid. Dean can't turn around and see what she sees but Sam's reflection in the mirror is only a dark shadow.  
"What have you done Sammy?" He whispers.  
Sam doesn't say anything and the demon doesn't say anything. The air conditioner unit rattles and blasts out cold air but nothing else moves. The demon starts to melt and it is still so quiet that Dean can hear Sam breathing. He knows that Sam and the demon have to be talking but he can only hear Sam's breath deep and even. He wants to turn and see Sam not just the shadow thing in the mirror where Sam should be but he can't. He feels trapped just like when the Yellow Eyed Demon held him against the wall and smiled at him with John's smile.

In the end the cross roads demon stops melting and disappears as quickly as she appeared. Dean turns to see Sam with his black eyes and missing finger sitting on the bed with tears streaking him face. Sam stares at him with his demon eyes and suddenly flings himself at Dean pulling him into a tight hug.  
"You're safe" he whispers over and over into Dean's hair and Dean can feel his tears on his scalp. Suddenly it doesn't matter that Sam's eyes are black and he freakin' melted the demon, all that matters is that he's here with Sam who saved him. He wiggles just enough to get his arms free and hold Sam. Hours or minutes later (Dean isn't sure which) they pull apart and Sam's eyes are red and puffy and normal.  
"Never again. Promise me Dean."  
So Dean promises and they fall into bed wrapped around each other and sleep. Dean wakes up as the grey early morning light filters through the curtain. Sam's head is resting on his chest and Sam is holding onto him like he always does. In his sleep his brother still looks innocent and Dean stares at his slack features while Sam's breath ghosts over his chest.

Sam never tells Dean about the three dead men whose blood is on his hands or why he came back to a motel with only nine fingers. Dean tries to ask sometimes but Sam ignores him because if Dean knew he'd be guilty about it and Sam can't have that. Dean has his suspicions and if he doesn't say anything it's only because Sam is alright. He can tell when Sam isn't alright and this isn't it. Whatever Sam did to save him, Sam is fine with it and if Sam is fine with it and it's not going to kill him (he asked once and Sam just rolled his eyes like the question was too stupid to deserve an answer but Dean pressed him and Sam finally says "of course not, I'm not stupid") then Dean will be alright too. They have the Impala, and the hunt and Dean's tapes and no demon deadline hanging over them. Sam's regained his powers but that's alright too because they don't hurt Sam anymore. Life, thinks Dean, is perfect at this moment.

In the passenger's seat with the sun on his face Sam shifts just enough to watch his brother drive. This is where he belongs, riding shot gun with mullet rock playing and Dean humming happily beside him. Sam might have blackened his soul, might have lied and murdered and scarified to save Dean but he's alright and nine fingers isn't very upsetting – his aim with a knife isn't even thrown off anymore (Dean's the one who helped him figure out how to compensate for that missing finger). Dean is fine beside him and that's all that matters. He leans back in the seat and listens to the Impala rumble as Dean climbs the gears and lets it go.


End file.
